Hey Beautiful People! I thought I’d share some of last weeks struggles with you in hopes of keeping myself accountable and letting those out there struggling as I have, they are not alone in the journey. I mean, it’s no secret I cope with anxiety but, today its time to get real.
As much as I wanted, wished, hoped and prayed my battles with anxiety completely disappeared, I had a rude awakening one day last week when I had 3 anxiety attacks in one morning, bringing me plunging to my knees. All I could do was cry and breathe it out. After gaining my composure and feeling a presence in my body again, very quickly I was forced to face a fear and validity. “This is a part of my life and I can’t hide from it.” Nor should I however, embracing the reality hasn’t always been easy.
My desire was to come to you all a year later to say. ‘I have done the work. I no longer experience any anxious feelings. I no longer have panic attacks or any embarrassing sweating bouts. I have completey overcome social anxiety.’ Well, looks like I need to get that out of my head and take that pressure off my back. Its not happening in this season (and if it is, it will be a surprise to me … shooooot.)
Now don’t get me wrong. I have grown a lot and have pushed through more than I thought I would. Before I really had in my head last years lifestyle was it for me. I didn’t see or think I was going to be able to live any other way ever again. But after another let down, through Gods grace and mercy, I was able to exude a level of strength than I didn’t I know I possessed. In solitude, I grew tremendously, right before my eyes. Actually, it was amazing to witness. I felt strong and powerful. I started to gain weight again, after losing about 20 lbs. Chyle, the confidence came back. Plus, I was loving myself more and more. It was great. And the best part was, I hadn’t experienced life altering anxiety in months .. I felt good! I thought I overcame it all. So, when I had an attack last week, I was crushed yet, motivated at the same damn time.
“Oh, you want to play anxiety? I’m a different kind of beast today. So, bring it on.”
Being as self aware as I have been these days, I could tell a lot of the anxiety I felt had to do with the chaos in my life currently. So, I challenged myself to get honest with my needs and push to make it so I was comfortable in my own skin again.
Starting with my head and heart. I had to truly embraced the idea that I may never “get rid of this thing”. I had to find a way to come to terms with it so I can know in the depth of my heart that I am going to continue to push anyway. I mean, if I sweat here and there when I am talking to people so, what right? Its not going to stop me. I’ll just make sure I always have blot sheets and translucent powder on deck. I’m talking about the serenity prayer type of living. “God granting me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, (and my favorite part) the wisdom to know the difference.” Learned that at a young age and my adult years I am living it more than ever. I’ve got this. Next.
Prioritizing my life; from work to play time and what I consider family and friends. I had to question if I am spending too little or too much in those areas. It was time to fine-tuning my schedule so, I can make the most impact of my day. A clear mind makes for clear decision-making and even clearer actions!
Also, the more my environment makes sense the more I am able to make sense of my life. Sounds basic but, I had to clean out my car and organize some my work spaces so, I’m no longer all over the place in my thoughts, which reflects in my work. The other day I sat in the car for 40 minutes, really cleaning out my back seat and organizing my consoles. Do you understand the relief I felt afterwards? The drive to my next destination felt like I was on cruise control.
No longer are the days of having lack of intent. I do not choose to just “exist,” rather I’m choosing to live my best life. That takes effort that I do not mind putting in! A weekend of back and forth trips to Target and Ikea, creative hacks and bright ideas, affirmations and commitments to self has me back on the good foot. I feel ready to tackle this new week. I feel like March 2018 and I are going to be great friends. I am claiming it. I am claiming it today. If you feel the same, leave a comment below and let me know. It’s on.
Hope you all have a great week. I know I will!
until next time,